Tuesday, August 20, 2013

swallowd by the earth

i've lost the documents that prove i was ever alive but i cataloged the catalogs for whatever worth is it is easier for riches to appear as heaven than for a needle to pass through evil eyes let me tell you about evil, iiiii said i would not be cruel, i said i would not calculate but i am calculating and i am cruel and i will erase you everyone blames you.

it was once my new years resolution: erase the erasure.

i think i'm killing him with kindness. don't even lean on crooked beams.  i am guilty so i feel guilty so i am guilty so i feel.  so i smother feelings until they can't be.  they can't be in me.  can't be mine.

not guilty.

i used to hang out with a junkie and once he said, "the nice thing about being on drugs all the time is that you don't get sick.  even a virus doesn't want to be inside you."  scientifically misdirected but i understand the sentiment.

i don't want to win, i don't want to wallow, i don't want to wade. i don't even want to want. but i need to want, like a vehicle needs an engine.  like i need the sun though it burns my eyes. my crystal eyes crack and bleed like chapped lips.  my eyes are ruining my life.  they see.

i take his call and it breaks me for a week.  ever try to ride a broken bicycle?  you might as well walk, or in my case, you might as well crawl.

i felt compelled to jump in the water and swim and swim and swim.  i swam so much my eyes turned red, salt water pool.  i can't close my eyes in the water because i love the way the light perforates it too much to keep them lids closed.  i did backflips.  i channeled childhood.  i channeled summer.  you were the outlet, the energy, the conduit: you see.

this whole time you thought you were leaning.  well soon you'll learn that you're learning from the best.  the pspiritual ways of detachment.  the miner's guide to the moon.  the ancient mysteries of now.  

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